In brief

Unusual words for me to use, I know! Today I have to face making or breaking my confidence in my mathematical ability, as I decided to finally sit the long-dreaded first Chemistry exam. Not only am I completely lacking in confidence that I have sufficiently learned the course material, I am very short of faith in the designers of the course book, particularly if those who have taken this course already are to be believed. It is always hard to motivate oneself for a distance learning, or individualised learning course, as my sixth form experience testifies, so I am not setting my self-expectations too high.

This last sentence raised a word which has been passing to and fro repeatedly in my mind: expectations. We are not born with them. How much are they conditioned in us by our upbringing, and how much are they a part of our growing process? I know that in my case, expectations have played a part in making me very unhappy; my parents' expectation that I would fulfil the role into which I was born, as a committed and devoted Christian was a constant source of conflict until I discovered that we have to set our own expectations in life. Also, the expectations I have had of other people, have contributed to discontent and unhappiness. It is probably a matter of taste, opinion and conjecture, people having "reasonable expectations": who is the arbiter of "reasonable"? Does this mean legally justifiable, conventional or simply traditional? In that case I have fallen far short of the "reasonable expectations" of those I was born among, but now that I have not set the same unrealistic target for myself, I feel much happier and more settled than ever before in my life. I am also very much happier for not setting my expectations of others too high. One cannot go through life, expecting people to react to our decisions in exactly the way we desire them to. One of my friends has a whole series of useful phrases which are proving invaluable in guiding my life and its decisions, without resorting to meaningless platitudes, and I am grateful to this and all of my friends for being just that- a reality check and a foil for my impetuous and sometimes prejudgmental nature.

This is a rambling post, and not with the pleasure of any illustrations, news etc; for that I don't apologise, as I have an examination on my mind. I need this outlet for my feelings, for the part of my brain that has to be suppressed while I attempt math to flex its muscle and thus relax. I hope that more newsworthy and interesting thoughts will follow shortly in a future post, perhaps even this evening, household and time conditions permitting!